Cop this: You’re sitting at the dinner table, and suddenly you’re copping an earful about everything you’ve done wrong since primary school. The words sting. Your chest tightens. And the worst part? It’s not the first time.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Verbal abuse from parents is more common than many people realise, and it’s bloody difficult to navigate, especially when the person hurting you is supposed to be your biggest supporter.

This guide will help you understand what verbal abuse looks like, why it happens, and most importantly, what you can do about it.

What Actually Counts as Verbal Abuse?

Let’s get one thing straight: Not every argument with your parents is abuse. Parents get frustrated, they make mistakes, and sometimes they say things they regret. That’s normal human behaviour.

Verbal abuse is different. It’s a consistent pattern of harmful communication designed to control, demean, or manipulate you.

According to Beyond Blue, verbal abuse can include yelling, threatening, name-calling, blaming, and constant criticism that attacks your character rather than addressing specific behaviours. The Australian Institute of Family Studies notes that emotional abuse, which includes verbal abuse, can be just as damaging to a young person’s development as physical abuse.

Here are some common examples:

  • Name-calling and insults. Being called “stupid,” “worthless,” “useless,” or worse creates lasting damage to your self-esteem.
  • Constant criticism. Nothing you do is good enough, and your achievements are either ignored or minimised.
  • Threatening behaviour. Using threats to control your actions, whether they’re threats of violence, abandonment, or withdrawing support.
  • Gaslighting. Making you question your own reality by denying things they said or did or telling you you’re “too sensitive” when you’re hurt.
  • Blaming. Everything that goes wrong becomes your fault, even things completely outside your control.

The pattern matters more than individual incidents. One heated argument doesn’t equal abuse, but a relentless stream of put-downs and manipulation absolutely does.

Why Do Parents Become Verbally Abusive?

Understanding why doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but it can help you realise this isn’t about you.

Many verbally abusive parents repeat patterns they experienced growing up. Research from the Australian Psychological Society shows that parents who were raised in abusive environments often struggle with healthy communication, even when they desperately want to be better parents.

Other contributing factors include untreated mental health issues, substance abuse, extreme stress, relationship problems, or simply never learning proper emotional regulation skills.

Here’s the truth that might be hard to hear: Your parents’ abusive behaviour says everything about them and nothing about your worth as a person. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you’re not responsible for fixing it.

Immediate Strategies When You’re Coping with Verbal Abuse

When you’re in the thick of it, these strategies can help you stay safe and maintain your emotional boundaries.

  • Don’t engage in the argument. I know it’s tempting to defend yourself or argue back, but escalating rarely helps. According to Relationships Australia, staying calm and refusing to engage often defuses volatile situations faster than fighting fire with fire.
  • Use the grey rock method. Make yourself as dull and unresponsive as a grey rock. Give brief, neutral responses without emotional investment. Abusers often feed off emotional reactions, so denying them that fuel can reduce the intensity.
  • Remove yourself physically. If it’s safe to do so, leave the room. Go for a walk, visit a mate, or find a quiet space where you can decompress. Physical distance creates emotional breathing room.
  • Practice grounding techniques. When your heart’s racing and you feel overwhelmed, try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: Name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. This brings your nervous system back to the present moment.
  • Document what’s happening. Keep a private journal with dates, times, and what was said. This serves two purposes: It validates your experience when you start doubting yourself, and it provides evidence if you need to seek help from authorities or counsellors.

Long-Term Strategies for Protecting Your Mental Health

Dealing with verbal abuse isn’t just about surviving individual incidents. You need strategies that protect your well-being over time.

  • Set and maintain boundaries. Boundaries might sound like: “I won’t continue this conversation if you’re yelling at me,” or “I need you to speak to me respectfully.” Headspace Australia emphasises that healthy boundaries are essential for young people’s mental health, even when enforcing them feels uncomfortable.
  • Build your support network. Connect with friends, extended family members, teachers, or counsellors who validate your experiences. Having people who remind you that you’re not the problem makes an enormous difference.
  • Invest in your own mental health. Consider speaking with a school counsellor or psychologist. Many bulk-billing options exist in Australia through Medicare’s Better Access initiative, which provides rebates for mental health treatment.
  • Develop your independence gradually. Whether that’s getting a part-time job, building skills for future employment, or planning for when you can live independently, working toward autonomy gives you hope and practical options.
  • Practice self-compassion. The voice in your head doesn’t need to mirror your parents’ voice. When you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, pause and ask: “Would I say this to a mate?” If not, don’t say it to yourself.

Remember, you can’t change them. This is perhaps the most brutal truth: you cannot suddenly make your parent into the parent you need. You can only control your responses and protect yourself.

When You Need to Reach Out for Help

Sometimes, self-help strategies aren’t enough. You deserve professional support, and seeking it shows strength, not weakness.

Contact these Australian services if you need immediate help:

  • Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) provides free, confidential 24/7 counselling for young people aged 5-25. Their counsellors are explicitly trained in family conflict and abuse.
  • Lifeline (13 11 14) offers 24/7 crisis support for anyone experiencing personal difficulties.
  • 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) specialises in domestic, family, and sexual violence counselling and can connect you with local services.
  • eheadspace offers online and phone support specifically for young people dealing with mental health challenges, including family conflict.

If you’re under 18 and experiencing severe abuse, talking to a trusted teacher, school counsellor, or your GP can trigger mandatory reporting, which might feel scary but could be necessary for your safety.

For young people over 18, services like Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) and mental health professionals can help navigate abusive family relationships while respecting your autonomy.

Moving Forward: You’re Not Broken

Growing up with verbal abuse leaves marks. You may struggle with low self-esteem, have difficulty trusting others, or find yourself repeating negative patterns in your own relationships.

But here’s what research from the Black Dog Institute tells us: With proper support and self-awareness, people who’ve experienced family abuse can absolutely build healthy, fulfilling lives. The abuse you experienced doesn’t define your future.

Recovery isn’t linear. On some days, you’ll feel strong and clear-headed. On other days, one comment can send you spiralling. That’s normal. Healing from family trauma takes time, patience, and often professional support.

You might not be able to change your family situation right now, but you can change how you respond to it, who you surround yourself with, and how you treat yourself. Those changes might seem small, but they’re bloody powerful.

If you take one thing from this blog post, let it be this: The way your parent speaks to you is not a reflection of your value. You deserve respect, kindness, and support. If you’re not getting it at home, there are people and services available to provide it.

You’re not alone in this. You’re not overreacting. And you’re not broken.

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