Verbal abuse doesn’t leave visible bruises, but that doesn’t make it any less damaging.

If you’re constantly walking on eggshells around your spouse, husband, or wife, questioning your own sanity, or feeling diminished after interactions with your partner, you might be experiencing verbal abuse.

The numbers paint a sobering picture.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics’ 2021-22 Personal Safety Survey, approximately 3.6 million Australian adults have experienced emotional abuse by a partner since the age of 15. That’s roughly one in five Australians. Among women specifically, an estimated 2.2 million adult women (23%) have experienced emotional abuse by a partner at some point since age 15.

If those statistics hit close to home, you’re not alone. And importantly, it’s not your fault.

What Actually Counts as Verbal Abuse?

Here’s where things get tricky. Many people experiencing verbal abuse don’t recognise it as such because it often starts subtly and escalates gradually.

You might think your partner has a temper or is going through a rough patch.

According to the ABS, emotional abuse occurs when a person is subjected to behaviours aimed at preventing or controlling their behaviour, causing them emotional harm or fear.

These behaviours are characterised by their intent to manipulate, control, isolate, or intimidate. They’re generally repeated and include psychological, social, economic, and verbal abuse.

Common Forms You Might Not Recognise

Verbal abuse isn’t always shouting matches. Sometimes it’s quieter, more insidious. Here are patterns to watch for:

  • Name-calling and insults: Being called stupid, worthless, fat, disgusting, or other degrading terms regularly. If you’ve asked your partner to stop and they haven’t, that’s abuse.
  • Constant criticism: Nothing you do is ever good enough. Your cooking, your appearance, your parenting, your work. The criticism is relentless and designed to erode your confidence.
  • Yelling and shouting: Not every argument, but when your partner routinely uses raised voices, aggressive phrases, and intimidation to “win” disagreements. In a healthy relationship, partners step away from an argument or talk through issues. In a verbally abusive relationship, the abuser will yell until they get what they want.
  • Gaslighting: This one’s particularly nasty. Your partner distorts reality, denies things they said or did, and makes you question your own memory and sanity. You might find yourself constantly apologising for things you didn’t do.
  • The silent treatment: Not to be confused with needing space after an argument. This is withholding communication as punishment, refusing to answer calls when they don’t get their way, or ignoring you over minor issues.
  • Accusations and jealousy: Constantly being accused of cheating, flirting, or doing something wrong. This often leads you to question your own behaviour and modify it to avoid their reactions.
  • Threats: Whether it’s threatening to leave you, harm themselves, take the children, or even just threatening to withdraw affection or money. Threats are tools of control.
  • Condescension and belittling: Constant sarcasm, “jokes” at your expense that hurt, making you feel ridiculed or small. When you object, you’re told you’re “Too sensitive” or “can’t take a joke.”
  • Blame-shifting: Everything is somehow your fault. “If you didn’t do X, I wouldn’t have to do Y.” The responsibility for their behaviour is always shifted onto you.

The Hidden Impact You’re Probably Feeling

You might be reading this thinking, “Well, they’re just words.” But research tells a different story.

Verbal abuse can lead to depression, difficulty regulating emotions, panic attacks or panic disorders, poor self-esteem, social isolation, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or chronic PTSD, substance use disorders, disordered eating patterns, compulsive behaviours, self-injury, or suicidal thoughts.

The body keeps score, too. You might experience sleep disturbances, appetite changes, significant weight fluctuations, headaches, or chronic stress symptoms.

Research indicates that over half of women (58%) and a quarter of men (26%) who experienced partner emotional abuse also experienced physical or sexual violence by a partner. Verbal abuse often escalates.

How to Know if It’s Abuse or Just “Normal” Arguing

Every couple argues. That’s normal. But there’s a difference between healthy conflict and abuse.

In healthy disagreements, both people feel heard. There’s respect even in anger. Apologies happen when someone crosses a line, and those apologies result in changed behaviour. You don’t feel afraid or diminished.

In verbal abuse, the pattern is different. You’re afraid to upset your partner because you fear emotional punishment.

You spend mental energy trying to predict their moods and avoid triggers. The conflicts aren’t about resolving issues but about power and control. Apologies, when they come, don’t lead to lasting change.

Ask yourself: Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Do you modify your behaviour, clothing, or friendships to keep the peace? Are you constantly hurt, ashamed, or embarrassed after interactions with your partner? If yes, these are red flags worth taking seriously.

Practical Steps to Protect Yourself

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: you can’t change your partner. You can’t love them enough, be good enough, or quiet enough to make them stop. Men who don’t want to be angry aren’t. Men who use anger to control those around them often do so to exert control. The same applies to women who abuse.

What you can do is focus on your safety and well-being. Here’s how:

1. Trust Your Gut and Validate Your Experience

If something feels wrong, it probably is. Stop second-guessing yourself. Your feelings are authentic and valid. Consider keeping a journal of incidents (stored safely). Write down what was said, when, and how it made you feel. This isn’t about building a legal case; it’s about reminding yourself of reality when your partner tries to convince you, “It wasn’t that bad.”

2. Set Internal Boundaries

You might not be ready to confront your partner directly, and that’s okay. Focus on setting internal boundaries about what you’ll accept. Try actively calming and grounding yourself before engaging with someone who has a history of verbally abusive behaviours. Tell yourself that you will not continue to engage if they raise their voice, call you names, or manipulate your emotions.

In the moment, if it’s safe, you can calmly name the behaviour: “That’s hurtful and inappropriate. There are kinder ways to express yourself.” Then remove yourself from the situation if possible.

3. Don’t Engage with the Content

If you are the target of verbal abuse, don’t engage with the content of what is said. Don’t even listen to it. And don’t try to explain why they shouldn’t do what they’re doing or why they’re wrong. You can’t reason with a verbal abuser.

Instead, use firm responses like “Stop it!” or “I won’t be spoken to this way,” then leave the room if you can.

4. Build Your Support Network

Isolation is a tactic of abuse. Your partner might have already distanced you from friends and family. Reconnect with them, even if it feels difficult.

Discuss your concerns with trusted friends or family members. You might worry they won’t believe you or will think you’re overreacting. Most often, people who care about you will support you. They might have even noticed concerning patterns already.

Consider speaking with a therapist who specialises in domestic violence or emotional abuse. They can help you process what’s happening without judgment.

5. Create a Safety Plan

Even if you’re not ready to leave, having a plan can help protect you. Here’s what a basic safety plan includes:

  • Identify safe spaces in your home: rooms with exits, away from potential hazards like knives (kitchen) or areas where you could be trapped (bathroom).
  • Keep significant numbers handy: Store them under different names if necessary. Include friends, family, and support services.
  • Establish a code word: A word or phrase you can use with trusted people to signal you need help without alerting your partner.
  • Know your escape routes: If you need to leave quickly, where will you go? A friend’s place? A woman’s shelter? Have the address memorised.
  • Prepare important documents: Keep copies of birth certificates, passports, bank account details, and other crucial documents in a safe place, such as a trusted friend’s house.
  • Financial preparation: If possible, set aside small amounts of money your partner doesn’t know about. Even a small amount can be helpful in an emergency.
  • Pack a leaving bag: A small bag with a change of clothes, toiletries, medication, and essentials for you and your children, if applicable. Store it somewhere your partner won’t find it or with a trusted friend.

6. Protect Your Digital Privacy

If your partner monitors your devices, take precautions to protect your privacy. Always clear your browser history after researching support services or escape plans. Use private browsing modes. Consider using a trusted friend’s device or a public library computer for sensitive searches.

Many Australian domestic violence organisations have quick-exit buttons on their websites that immediately redirect to a weather site if you need to hide what you’re viewing.

7. Document Everything Safely

If it’s safe to do so, document the abuse. Save voicemails, text messages, or emails. Take photos of any property damage. Keep a detailed journal with dates, times, and descriptions of incidents. Store all this evidence in a location your partner cannot access.

When to Seek Professional Help

You don’t have to wait until things are “bad enough” to seek help. If you’re reading this article, things are already concerning enough to warrant support.

Consider professional help if:

  • You’re feeling increasingly anxious, depressed, or hopeless
  • You’re questioning your sanity or reality regularly
  • You’re changing your behaviour to avoid your partner’s reactions
  • You’re isolated from friends and family
  • The verbal abuse is escalating in frequency or severity
  • You’re worried about physical violence

Australian Support Services Available to You

You don’t have to navigate this alone. Australia has comprehensive support services specifically designed to help people experiencing domestic and family violence.

1800RESPECT

The national domestic, family, and sexual violence counselling service. Available 24/7 via phone (1800 737 732), text (0458 737 732), online chat, or video call through their website. They offer confidential support from trained counsellors and can connect you with local services.

Lifeline

Available 24/7 on 13 11 14. They provide crisis support and suicide prevention services for anyone experiencing emotional distress.

MensLine Australia

Specifically for men experiencing domestic violence or concerned about their own violent behaviour. Available 24/7 on 1300 78 99 78.

State-specific services

  • New South Wales: Women’s Domestic Violence Court Advocacy Service, NSW Domestic Violence Line (1800 656 463)
  • Victoria: Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre (1800 015 188, available 24/7)
  • Queensland: DVConnect Womensline (1800 811 811), DVConnect Mensline (1800 600 636)
  • South Australia: Domestic Violence Crisis Service (1800 800 098)
  • Western Australia: Women’s Domestic Violence Helpline (1800 007 339), Men’s Domestic Violence Helpline (1800 000 599)
  • Tasmania: Family Violence Counselling and Support Service (1800 608 122)
  • Northern Territory: Dawn House (1800 626 009)
  • Australian Capital Territory: Domestic Violence Crisis Service (6280 0900)

All these services are free, confidential, and staffed by professionals trained to help you work through your situation without judgment.

For LGBTQIA+ Australians

QLife provides anonymous support and referrals for people who may be experiencing family and domestic violence. Available 3 pm to midnight daily via phone (1800 184 527) or webchat.

Say It Out Loud provides information on family and domestic violence, safety planning, and referral services specifically for LGBTQIA+ people.

What About Couples Counselling?

Here’s something important: couples counselling is generally not recommended when abuse is present in the relationship.

Why? Because abuse isn’t a relationship problem, it’s a behaviour problem. Couples therapy requires both partners to take equal responsibility for issues, but abuse is never the victim’s fault. Attending therapy together can put you at greater risk because:

  • Your partner may use information shared in sessions against you later
  • They may become more skilled at manipulating or gaslighting
  • You may be blamed or held responsible for “triggering” their abusive behaviour
  • The therapist might not recognise the abuse dynamic and inadvertently reinforce harmful patterns

If you want to work on the relationship, individual therapy for both partners separately is a better starting point. Your partner needs specialised intervention for abusive behaviour, not couples counselling.

If You’re Not Ready to Leave

Not everyone is ready or able to leave an abusive relationship immediately. That’s okay. Your timeline is your own, and leaving can sometimes be the most dangerous time for someone experiencing abuse.

If you’re staying for now:

  • Keep working on your safety plan
  • Maintain connections with supportive people, even if it’s difficult
  • Remind yourself daily of your worth and value
  • Continue documenting the abuse
  • Access support services even while in the relationship
  • Remind yourself that this isn’t your fault
  • Remember that you have options, even if they’re not clear right now

Small steps matter. Every action you take to protect yourself and build resources is valuable.

The Reality About Change

Can abusers change? Theoretically, yes. But it requires:

  • The abuser acknowledges they have a problem
  • Taking full responsibility for their behaviour (no blaming the victim)
  • Actively participating in a specialised intervention programme for perpetrators
  • Demonstrating sustained behavioural change over a significant time
  • Understanding that change is their responsibility, not yours

The harsh truth? Most don’t change because change requires admitting fault, which contradicts the control and power dynamic that drives abusive behaviour. You cannot help or fix an abusive partner. It’s not your responsibility to convince a violent or abusive partner to get help. Your responsibility is to your own safety.

If your partner promises to change after an incident, watch their actions, not their words. Temporary improvement followed by a return to abusive patterns is common. This cycle of abuse, tension building, incident, reconciliation, calm often gets shorter and more severe over time.

For Those Using Verbal Abuse

If you’ve recognised your own behaviour in this article, that’s the first step. Verbal abuse often stems from learned behaviours, poor emotional regulation, or what was modelled in your own upbringing.

The good news? You can change, but only if you:

  • Take full responsibility for your actions
  • Stop blaming your partner for “making” you react
  • Seek professional help from a therapist or programme specialising in abusive behaviour
  • Understand that your partner has every right to leave if they choose
  • Commit to long-term behavioural change, not just short-term promises

Services like the Men’s Referral Service (1300 766 491) offer confidential support to help people stop using violence and abuse against family members.

Moving Forward

Whether you stay or leave, whether you’re ready for change now or still working things out, remember this: you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and dignity. You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and heard.

Verbal abuse is not “just words.” It’s a severe form of harm that affects your mental health, physical well-being, and sense of self. Recognising it is the crucial first step. Protecting yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary.

If you’re reading this and recognising your situation, please reach out to one of the support services listed above. You don’t have to have all the answers or a perfect plan. You need to take the first step of telling someone what’s happening.

You’re not alone. Help is available. And you deserve better.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000.

For confidential support, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 (available 24/7).

This blog post is for informational purposes and should not replace professional medical, legal, or psychological advice. If you’re experiencing domestic violence, please get in touch with appropriate support services.

Read More About Verbal Harassment:

Free Webinar – Respect At Work Free Webinar – NDIS Compliance Free Webinar – Right To Disconnect Free Webinar on Performance Management and Law Compliance Outlook 2025 - Webinar