It’s not something parents plan for. You raise your children, love them unconditionally, and hope the relationship evolves into mutual respect once they’re adults. But sometimes, things don’t pan out that way.

When your adult child regularly yells at you, calls you names, or uses cruel words to manipulate you, it hurts. Deeply. The pain is compounded by confusion: how did we get here? And shame parents aren’t supposed to feel unsafe around their own kids, are they?

If you’re experiencing verbal abuse from your adult child, you’re not alone. More importantly, you deserve support and respect, regardless of your relationship history.

Understanding Verbal Abuse from Adult Children

Verbal abuse isn’t just having a heated argument or occasional disagreement. It’s a pattern of behaviour designed to control, demean, or intimidate you.

Research indicates that roughly 40% of adult children resort to yelling or screaming at parents to assert control, whilst family members perpetrate nearly 47% of elder abuse incidents. This is a real issue affecting thousands of Australian families.

What Does Verbal Abuse Look Like?

Verbal abuse from adult children can manifest in several ways:

  • Direct attacks: Name-calling, swearing, or hurling insults designed to hurt you emotionally.
  • Manipulation: Guilt-tripping you with phrases like “After everything I’ve done for you” or “You’re the reason my life is rubbish.”
  • Intimidation: Raising their voice, making threats, or using an aggressive tone to frighten you into compliance.
  • Blame-shifting: Constantly holding you responsible for their problems, failures, or unhappiness whilst refusing to accept personal accountability.
  • Put-downs: Regularly criticising your choices, appearance, or intelligence in a way that chips away at your self-esteem.

The common thread? These behaviours aim to make you feel small, wrong, or worthless. That’s abuse, plain and simple.

Why Does This Happen?

Understanding why your adult child behaves this way won’t excuse the abuse, but it might provide some context.

Psychologists note that whilst your child may be dealing with deep hurt or trauma, that doesn’t permit them to attack you. Some common contributing factors include:

  • Mental health challenges: Untreated anxiety, depression, or personality disorders can fuel aggressive behaviour.
  • Substance abuse: Drug or alcohol dependency often correlates with increased hostility and manipulation.
  • Financial stress: Adults struggling with unemployment or economic hardship may lash out at those they depend on.
  • Unresolved childhood issues: Studies show that adult children who experienced childhood abuse are more likely to perpetrate elder abuse against their parents.
  • Learned behaviour: If they witnessed or experienced abuse growing up, they may unconsciously repeat these patterns.

Importantly, none of these reasons makes the abuse acceptable. Your adult child is responsible for their actions, regardless of what they’re going through.

The Impact on Your Mental Health

Living with verbal abuse takes a serious toll. Parents in these situations often report:

  • Walking on eggshells, constantly anxious about triggering an outburst
  • Feeling guilt or shame, wondering if they somehow caused this behaviour
  • Experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression
  • Social isolation, withdrawing from friends because they’re embarrassed
  • Physical symptoms like headaches, insomnia, or digestive issues from chronic stress

You might love your child deeply whilst simultaneously dreading their phone calls. That contradiction is exhausting and completely valid.

1. Setting Boundaries: Your First Line of Defence

Boundaries aren’t about controlling your adult child’s behaviour; you can’t do that. They’re about managing how you respond and what you’ll accept in your life.

2. Define Your Non-Negotiables

Start by identifying what behaviour you absolutely won’t tolerate. This might include:

  • No yelling or swearing during conversations
  • No name-calling or personal attacks
  • No unannounced visits to your home
  • No financial requests accompanied by guilt or threats

If you’re feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around your adult child, it’s often a sign that you need to establish boundaries.

3. Communicate Clearly

Once you know your boundaries, communicate them clearly and calmly. Use “I” statements:

“I hear that you’re upset, and I’m open to talking. But not like this. If you continue yelling, I’ll need to end this conversation.”

“I’m not going to lend you money. That’s my decision, and I need you to respect it.”

Be prepared for pushback. Your adult child may repeatedly test these boundaries, especially if you’ve previously given in to maintain peace.

4. Follow Through Consistently

This is the hardest part. When your boundary is crossed, you must follow through with the consequence you stated.

If you said you’d leave the room when yelling starts, leave. If you said you’d end phone calls when name-calling begins, hang up. Consistency is crucial.

Staying consistent when boundaries are tested helps you resist the urge to give in, even when it’s emotionally tricky.

5. Protecting Your Emotional Well-being

Whilst you’re working on boundaries, you also need to protect your mental health.

  • Build a support network: Connect with friends, family members, or support groups who understand what you’re going through. Social isolation makes you more vulnerable to manipulation.
  • Seek professional help: A therapist who specialises in family dynamics or elder abuse can provide invaluable support and coping strategies.
  • Practice self-compassion: You’re not a failure as a parent. Your adult child’s abusive behaviour is their responsibility, not yours.
  • Consider respite: If your adult child lives with you, arrange for periods where you have space away from them. This might mean staying with a friend or having them stay elsewhere temporarily.

When to Seek External Help

Sometimes, setting boundaries isn’t enough, or the abuse escalates beyond verbal attacks.

Australian Support Services

  • Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS): This free service prioritises the safety of older people. Call 1300 063 232 for support.
  • Seniors Rights Victoria: For Victorians experiencing elder abuse, call their confidential helpline on 1300 368 821.
  • 1800 RESPECT: Available 24/7 for anyone experiencing family violence. Call 1800 737 732 or visit their website for online chat support.
  • Lifeline: If you’re struggling with your mental health, call 13 11 14 for crisis support.
  • Relationships Australia: Offers counselling, mediation, and support services through state and territory branches. Their Senior Relationship Mediation Service can help facilitate difficult family conversations.

Consider Family Mediation

If you’d like to restore your relationship with your adult child, family mediation can be a helpful option. A trained mediator can create a safe space for both of you to communicate, set expectations, and work towards healthier dynamics.

This isn’t appropriate in all situations, particularly if there’s a risk of physical violence or if your child refuses to acknowledge their behaviour.

Legal Options

In severe cases, you may need to explore legal protections:

  • Intervention orders: If you’re in danger or feel unsafe, police can help by removing the abuser or applying for an intervention order on your behalf.
  • Changing living arrangements: If your adult child lives with you, you have the right to request that they leave. Seek legal advice about your options, especially if they refuse.

Managing Your Expectations

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: you can’t force your adult child to change.

Fundamental transformation requires them to acknowledge their behaviour, take responsibility, and commit to professional help. Unfortunately, this is rare when someone doesn’t see their actions as problematic.

Your power lies in changing how you respond. Focus on what you can control: your boundaries, your responses, and your own well-being, rather than hoping they’ll suddenly become the child you wish they were.

That doesn’t mean giving up hope entirely. People do change. But it does mean accepting that change is their choice, not your responsibility.

You’re Not Alone in This

Thousands of Australian parents are quietly dealing with verbal abuse from adult children. The shame surrounding this issue keeps many people silent, but speaking up is the first step towards healing.

You didn’t cause this. You don’t deserve it. And you absolutely have the right to protect yourself, even if it means creating distance from your child.

Being mistreated by your child doesn’t make you weak, and setting boundaries doesn’t make you cold. It makes you strong enough to say, ‘I still love you, but I won’t let you hurt me anymore.’

Taking the First Step

If you’re reading this and recognising yourself in these words, start small:

  1. Acknowledge that what you’re experiencing is abuse
  2. Identify one boundary you need to set
  3. Reach out to one support service or trusted friend
  4. Remember that your well-being matters

You deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued at any age, in any relationship. Don’t wait for things to improve magically. Take that first step towards protecting yourself today.

Resources:

  • Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service: 1300 063 232
  • 1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732
  • Lifeline: 13 11 14
  • Seniors Rights Victoria: 1300 368 821
  • Relationships Australia: Visit raq.org.au or relationships.org.au to find your state branch

If you’re in immediate danger, always call 1800 737 732.

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