Verbal Harassment

How To Deal With Verbal Abuse From An Alcoholic

Wraps up in 7 Minutes

Author: Gavin Altus

Published On January 29, 2026

Living with or loving someone who struggles with alcohol use disorder is challenging enough. When verbal abuse enters the picture, it can feel like you’re walking through a minefield every single day.

Here’s the thing nobody tells you: you didn’t cause this, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. But you can learn to protect yourself whilst still showing compassion where it’s safe to do so.

Understanding the Connection Between Alcoholism and Verbal Abuse

Alcohol doesn’t create abusive behaviour out of thin air, but it does lower inhibitions and impair judgment. According to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, alcohol is involved in approximately 26% of family and domestic violence incidents reported to police.

When someone drinks, the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and impulse control) essentially takes a back seat. This can lead to saying things they might normally filter out, though it’s worth noting that alcohol reveals more than it creates.

The National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre at UNSW Sydney reports that whilst alcohol can exacerbate aggressive tendencies, it’s not a blanket excuse for abusive behaviour. Plenty of people drink without becoming verbally abusive.

Recognising Verbal Abuse for What It Is

Verbal abuse isn’t just yelling. It’s a pattern of behaviour designed to control, demean, or intimidate you. Common forms include:

Name-calling and insults that chip away at your self-worth, constant criticism that makes you second-guess everything you do, gaslighting that leaves you questioning your own reality, threats that keep you walking on eggshells, and public humiliation that isolates you from support networks.

If you’re constantly making excuses for their behaviour or feeling like you’re always doing something wrong, that’s a red flag worth examining.

1. Set Clear Boundaries (and Actually Enforce Them)

Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person. They’re about deciding what you will and won’t accept in your own life.

Start with clarity. Tell them directly, when they’re sober, that verbal abuse isn’t acceptable. Use “I” statements: “I won’t engage in conversations when you’re drinking” rather than “You always get nasty when you drink.”

Then comes the hard part: following through. If they cross that boundary, you need to remove yourself from the situation. This might mean leaving the room, staying with a friend, or, in severe cases, leaving the relationship entirely.

According to Relationships Australia, establishing consistent boundaries is one of the most effective ways to protect your mental health in challenging relationship dynamics.

2. Don’t Engage When They’re Drinking

You cannot have a rational conversation with someone who’s intoxicated. Full stop.

When they’re drinking and the verbal abuse starts, your best move is disengagement. Don’t defend yourself, don’t argue back, and don’t try to reason with them. It’s like trying to nail jelly to a wall, frustrating and utterly pointless.

Save serious conversations for when they’re sober. Even then, pick your timing carefully. First thing in the morning after a big night probably isn’t ideal either.

3. Document the Abuse

This feels clinical and unloving, but it’s essential. Keep a journal of incidents, including the date, time, what was said, and whether alcohol was involved.

Why? Because abuse can make you doubt your own experiences. Having a written record helps you see patterns clearly. It’s also crucial evidence if you ever need to involve the police or seek legal protection.

The Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria recommends keeping this documentation somewhere safe that the abusive person can’t access.

4. Prioritise Your Own Safety

Your safety trumps everything else. Always.

If verbal abuse escalates to threats of physical violence, or if you feel genuinely unsafe, trust that instinct. Create a safety plan that includes where you’ll go, essential documents you’ll need, and people you can call.

Keep your phone charged and accessible. Know where your car keys are. Have some cash set aside if possible.

In Australia, you can call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you’re in immediate danger, call 000.

5. Look After Your Own Mental Health

Living with verbal abuse takes a genuine toll on your well-being. Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem are common responses to ongoing abuse.

Make time for things that restore you. Exercise, time with supportive friends, and hobbies that bring you joy – these aren’t luxuries, they’re necessities.

Consider speaking with a counsellor yourself. Beyond Blue offers support services and can connect you with mental health professionals who understand the unique challenges of loving someone with alcohol use disorder.

Therapy isn’t admitting defeat. It’s acknowledging that you’re dealing with something difficult and choosing to get support.

6. Encourage Treatment (Without Making It Your Mission)

You can suggest treatment, offer to help research options, or even drive them to appointments. What you can’t do is force them to change.

Australia has excellent alcohol treatment services through the Alcohol and Drug Foundation and numerous rehabilitation centres across the country. The National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline (1800 250 015) provides free, confidential advice.

But here’s the truth: they must want to change. Your love, no matter how fierce, can’t do the work for them.

7. Know When Enough Is Enough

Sometimes love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. If the abuse continues despite boundaries, if your mental or physical health is deteriorating, or if children are being affected, it might be time to consider leaving.

This isn’t giving up. It’s choosing yourself.

Leaving an abusive situation is statistically the most dangerous time, so plan carefully and seek professional support. Contact a domestic violence service to help you create a safe exit strategy.

8. You’re Not Responsible for Their Drinking

Let’s be clear about something: you are not responsible for their alcohol use disorder, and you cannot fix it for them.

Stop walking on eggshells, hoping that if you do everything right, they’ll drink less. Stop blaming yourself when they have another episode. Stop shrinking yourself to manage their disease.

Their recovery is their responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself and, if applicable, to any children involved.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with verbal abuse from someone with alcoholism is one of the loneliest experiences going. You love someone who, when drinking, treats you in ways you’d never accept from anyone else.

Remember that alcoholism is a disease, but it’s not an excuse for abuse. You can have compassion for their struggle whilst refusing to accept mistreatment.

Get support. Set boundaries. Protect yourself. And if the time comes when you need to walk away, know that choosing your own wellbeing isn’t selfish, it’s survival.

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